yeah…i love it too…

yeah…i love it too…

(via sexual-feelings)

I love Shasha

Shasha is my daughter. I love her to bits and I couldn’t imagine a day without her in my life. I had a tough time raising her as my boyfriend’s family gave me a lot of problems. They refused to let me take care of her because they called me a slut and cheap woman.

My boyfriend ‘Boy’ is no angel. He is a drug pusher and he was jailed in 2005 because he killed a Chinese guy in a gang fight. He was a fighter but what is the use of being a fighter when you have no freedom and caged in a cell with nothing but drappy clothes.

I love Shasha so much and I hope one day she will be a good daughter. I am trying to give her my best and refrain from any vulgarities. Next year Shasha will be Primary 1. I’m so proud of her and I hope she will do well and school and one day she will take good care of me and get a good job and find a rich husband and she will live happily ever after.

To Shasha, mama sayang sangat sangat. Belajar rajin-rajin jangan lupa pesan mama.

Butterflies in the Night

My name is Chanel. It is not a real name but it seems glued to me since 2005. I am trying to end this bitterness. I am one of the many girls who named themselves Chanel in this industry. Nope I am not a brand, but I am a commodity.

Some call it GRO, some call it FL. Malays call us butterflies.

Yes. I am a freelance KTV hostess. I move around and I’m on the go.

I think I am good at what I do. With the looks that I have, it is an easy breezy job. Men would call my Mummy and request me to attend to them. Some nights I will not be able to even sit in a room for more than 15 minutes. But those were glory days where many men enjoy going to sleazy KTVs. Now, business is bad and we girls suffered. That’s why I moved and changed to 8-5 job. More stable income, besides I have a proper life and sleep. I should refrain from night time activities because it brings more harm than good to my life and my body and my future. Besides, I have a daughter and she needs me more now. But it’s hard to stop when money is good. Some good nights I can bring back up to 1500 - 2000 bucks. Bad nights, 200-300. Ugly girls get 20 for hand job or blowjob and that is considered good enough for them to buy cigarettes. Pathetic.

Many men questioned why I chose this age old profession? Why I chose to be an ‘entertainer’ cum prostitute? Money is my answer and I need it quick to feed my daughter and my family.

I started when I was 16 years old. But most people thought I looked 18 because I like to put on a lot of make up and the stuff that I took coupled with the late nights aged me by additional 5 years.

It was one of the girls in the group who got us into this. Jade has a sister named Nicole who was a Mummy in one of the most frequented Malay KTVs in Singapore at one time. So one night when the KTV had a lot of VIP customers, Nicole needed fresh faces, we were roped into the whole scene because she claimed that we can get free booze all night, free food, and sing karaoke all at no charge. Also we need not sleep with these men but just be very friendly with them so they will give us extra money at the end of the night. Nicole also reminded us to choose a nickname for ourselves.

I was excited. All sponsored, fun-filled entertainment with my girlfriends plus free drinks? Wow, at 16, who wouldn’t want free enjoyment? All I want is to get high and get paid for such an easy task. We were told to dress sexy, and I had borrowed a skimpy black lacy dress from my cousin that was hard to wear in public.

We went there it was awkward because we were told to line up in a straight line and the customers would pick and choose who they like. I was one of the chosen four girls and they made me sit beside a nice smelling Malay man named Faz. He was my first ever customer.

Faz: What’s your name dear?
Me: My name…alamak…
Faz: hai,…nama pon tak tahu? Jade ke? Candy ke?, Gucci ke?
Me: My name is Chanel.
Faz: wow …ada kelasss…. baru dapat ilham ke?
Me: hehehehe…

Faz works in an oil and gas industry. I’m not sure what he does exactly but I am sure the money he earned was illegal. The last I know, he is still married with 1 kid. He was 41 then but he looked younger than his age. A clean cut look and nice smelling cologne. He greeted me with a smile.

Faz did told me that he earned his money from black gold through manipulation. I dunno how it works but I’m sure he is loaded with money because all he had was cold hard cash and stacks of 1000 notes. At that sight, I told myself, I want his money.

We made them ordered a lot of drinks as Mummy had earlier instructed. I remember he ordered several bottles of Cordon Bleu and Chivas. It was my first time drinking Cordon Bleu and I never knew how it was supposed to be drank until Faz taught me the ways.

By the time, the clock hit 2 am, I was high. We were mixing a lot of drinks including Tiger and I knew my liver still wasn’t immune to the massive alcohol intoxication. So we switched on the good old RnB MTV to sweat it out and dance it off. All of us girls started to gather at the area around the TV and did our sexy dance. Then we moved on to the table, shifted the drinks and stood on the table and did our moves. It was crazy.

I didn’t realised Faz left the KTV room until he grabbed me from behind and said
“Abang datang sayang..” (I am here dear..). It was 3 am, suddenly the music got louder and the room was darker. Mummy had dimmed the lights!

I turned around and looked everyone was back at their seats. No more laughter, no more chatter. Suddenly the room became quiet with faint moans and murmurs. As soon as my eyes got adjusted to the dark room, I realised all my girlfriends were naked. They were busy doing BJ, HJ, smooching, fucking!

What was I supposed to do? I wasn’t ready for this kind of thing. I looked at Faz and went pale. He signaled me to leave the room. We left the room, he paid the mummy some money and we fled.

I was still in shock and Faz knew I was scared wits. He told me that was hostess life and knew I was new to the scene. He told me to reject any calls for freelance.

Faz: Dear, jangan kerja macam ni lagi..nah ambik ni 200 jangan datang lagi kat sini…
Me: But I need money…
Faz: you are so young, so beautiful..go and study…get a good job..
Me: I don’t want to study, I just want to work and have a lot of money macam Mummy…just that I don’t want to do what my friends just did.. tak boleh..
Faz: if you work there, sooner or later you will have to do what they did…lucky tonight you met me and I brought you out..kalau tidak..
Me: kalau tidak aper?…but then how..i need the money…
Faz: okay since you nak jugak degil kepala batu nak kerja jugak with your friends, why not you come and work whenever I come over…I pay you double…
Me: Double? Brapa eh? Best nye!
Faz: It depends, tapi sayang nak tak?
Me: okay ah, asalkan ada duit..Abang datang sayang…hehe
Faz: Abang datang sayang….

Faz sent me home in his BMW. We exchanged numbers and he told me to contact him. I didn’t do so because I wasn’t sure whether I should. He called me a few days later and told me he was going to the KTV again with another bunch of business partners. He asked if I am free to work that night.


I was an hour late because I had to travel down to Clementi to borrow another dress from my cousin.

Faz: Abang datang sayang…wah jambu seh ngantuk tunggu you sampai terbeliak mata sekejap..tak payah minum kopi…
Me: hehe..thanks..sorry eh lambat…pegi pinjam baju…tapi sendat sikit..sesak nafas ni..macam nak merekah..
Faz: besar sangat tu..
Me: mentel ah Abang Faz ni..
Faz: mentel pon you suka kan?

We were more intimate that night. We talked really closely to each other. I used my fake pasar malam Chanel Allure Sensuelle perfume which worked just fine. He liked it.

I served him very well. Poured drinks, sang several duet songs with him. Ziana Zain and Awie Sembilu. Then Awie and Ella Baldu Biru and many other jiwang songs. I knew his other friends were envious and kept asking for my contact number, but he was guarded about me. That night during RnB, we kissed. He slowly unzipped my dress and I became nervous. I’m sure he was happy with what he saw and touched. Luckily we were seated in the corner of the room. Within seconds, I was naked. I unzipped and pulled down his pants. We did it that night.

And I got 1 piece 1000 note.

That was a good quickie but I felt shitty after that. To numbed myself further, I sanked further into shithole and got myself busy with more assignments at the KTV. I felt sick in the stomach everytime I attend to the men. I drank more, and I got bolder and more numbed.

Faz became frequent at the KTV because I was there until one day he stopped like many of them. I dunno why. Maybe his wife found out, maybe he got caught by CPIB. Maybe he changed for the better. Maybe…

Soon I created a name for myself and became popular. Too popular.

My name is Chanel. And now, I want to change and I want to lead a normal life.

indecent proposal

I don’t know why men are such farking perverted jerks. I’m not sure if what this stupid man did can be categorised as sexual harassment. Maybe those who know more can tell me about it.

Every morning when i come to work, a Malay perverted guy named Najib who also works in the same building would wait for me at the lift lobby and loiter around. He would greet me with a smile from a far and then he would touch his crotch and fondle it. Sick.

This morning he went an extra mile to chat up with me since i’m not on the phone as I have pretended to be every morning. I left my phone at home. So while waiting for the lift to come down from 23 floor that took forever, the dreadful situation happened:


Pervert Najib: (grinning) Cun la…badan lentik!

Me: (angry) eh bising ah. Jangan kacau boleh tak?!

Pervert Najib: Alah jangan marah ah sayang, you kalau marah makin cun tak boleh angkat I nanti. Terangkat la..

Me: eh jangan jadi bodoh boleh tak?! nak kacau aku pagi buta ni apesal? Kan aku dah cakap jangan kacau aku lagi? bodoh ke bahalol?

Pervert Najib: hari hari i tunggu you, baru sekarang dapat punyer badan powerhouse la. Baik kaper!

Me: Butoh la! Abeh raber kau punyer butoh apesal? dah gatal miang nak lancap aper? Jangan jadi jantan sial la. Bingit siak.

Pervert Najib: please la

Me: Please aper la sial?

Pervert Najib: Please ah isap boleh

(Instant reflex: I slapped him)

Me: kepala butoh la jantan sundal…kau pikir aku aper?

Me: lagi satu kali kau buat bende sundal macam gini aku panggil budak budak aku turun kasi kau kicap. Paham tak? eh sial, last warning eh..

Lift opened. I went in. He stood there and looked at me.


Honestly, i am scared but I pretended not to be scared. This kind of people, you may never know what’s on their mind. They have so many deprived desires, needs and wants but got no avenue to unload them.

I hate to curse and swear in the morning. It kinda screws up my day and i will be grumpy and foul mood. I am the quiet type of person, but once you trigger off the alarm, I will be vicious and nasty. Most times I have good temper, but once i get short fused, all hells break loose.

I had no opportunity to talk to my new ‘friend’ yet. if he knows, I wonder what will happen.

misguided misplaced misunderstood

Anak Metropolitan.

This is a common association that we get. The term takes after a Malay TV show shown on Suria Channel and became a hit. Pathetic. Whatever depicted in the drama was far from reality.

The close-knitted sanctuary where I grew up is all about self-discovery. In every sense of the word. We take things easy, a day at a time, if we have enough to eat, we are contented and happy.

We have buddies who are not that lucky. Some of our friends have family members who got into trouble with the law, while others themselves got entangled with the law. Many follow their parents’ or siblings’ footsteps. They mirror the behaviour of adults in the family. We are young, and no one can really blame us for the foolish things we did to survive. We steal, we sell pirated dvds, we sell drugs, some of us girls would prostitute ourselves to the foreign workers, and some of us would work as KTV hostess. You name it, we have done it. People who don’t know how we live our lives will definitely find us disgusting. But WHO are you to say such things? Just because you people who are clad in office suits appear to lead a comfortable life that doesn’t mean that you guys are better off in terms of moral. If you need to feed a family of 8 and you got nothing to eat for the past two days, someone will think of something spontaneous and most times silly. Someone will have to do an act of sacrifice. And most times these acts of sacrifice are habits that are hard to break. Who say Singapore has got no poor family? We do have many people who have little to spend on basic necessities but we sustain our lives in ways that majority find us disgusting.

It is true that sometimes the choices we make determines the paths of lives at present and probably the future. Yes, most of us are uneducated. Only less than 5 of us in the neighbourhood made it through local universities, and many people like me have low tertiary education. But no one should blame us for the lack of guidance. We have no proper role models. It is a vicious cycle that is hard to break away. But we learn and the new generation tries to break away from this vicious cycle. We managed to do it at first lap and hopefully the next few generations will be better off as parents are more educated and more aware about the importance of education.

But do you believe in us?

going out for a movie date after work! woohooo*

going out for a movie date after work! woohooo*

Let me tell you about me..

Nickname: Chanel

Race: Malay

Stay: Tanglin Halt

Hair colour: Wavy, long

Eyes: seasonal

Vital stats: 33-25-35

Highest qualification: ITE West Clementi

Hobbies: Reading novels, iphone games, chatting, party 

I may not be smart. But I do have vast experience when it comes to human interactions. I enjoy reading. It was something that I picked up when I broke up with my first boyfriend who broke my virginity when I was 12. I had nothing to do and my first ever novel that I had completely finished without pretending to read is by Sidney Sheldon Flowers in the Attic. Half the time I couldn’t understand what was written in the book because I have such poor vocab. But as time passes by I grew fond of reading and it did helped in my English language.

Nevertheless I do not enjoy studying. I’m a hands on person. When I open my textbooks I tend to fall asleep. Although my teachers thought I had the brains to end up in university, I was too caught up with the worldly things and enjoying life that I end up neglecting my studies. I must admit I was silly then. Hopefully one day I will find the desire to continue my studies and get a degree.

I started this blog with an ambition that I will be a better person one day. As a reflection hopefully I will wake up from my bloody idea and have some sensibility. And hopefully I find a man of my dreams like in the novels. And hopefully my daughter will be a better person than I am.